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My book

Postby Hiei117 » October 14th, 2010, 1:45 pm

ok I am writing this book and I wanted some people to you know judge it. Please be nice when you tell me it's bad......anyways here are the prologue and first three chapters.

“Ow....What the hell happened?” One second I was at school, then this guy with fin ears shows up, and now I'm in a forest with- wait. Guy with fin ears?! Forest?!?! I looked around, “What is this place? It looks like something out of a video game.” All around me are glowing orbs of light in every color. The grass and plant life shimmer with pieces of silver. “Where the hell am I?!” I shrieked.

“Welcome to Symphonise, Miss Jaden. We have waited a long time.”


“Ah I believe humans call this place Hell.”

“So basically....'Welcome to hell?' ” Somebody help me!!!!

Chapter 1: Tales of Beginning
By: Jaden Summers
Perhaps we should start from the beginning. I live here in Tokyo, Japan. To be exact I live 10 bus stops and three train stations from my school in a shrine. From when I was very small I was told I was special. Granted I was above average in everything, I never imagined what mother meant. That Is until a week before my eighteenth birthday. As always I awoke at 5am, got dressed, and ate breakfast. But right before I left My mother called to me.

“Jaden wait!” I wonder if I hadn't waited would all these thing still have happened? “I want to give you something.........Here.” She handed me a simple woven Hair piece. “I know it looks plain, but it's very important. It's supposed to bring you good fortune. I want you to wear it all the time, no matter what. Have a good day at school dear!”

By the time I arrived at the school ground I noticed it was busy as every. Today was the start of the school festival. Once a year the student body gets together and comes up with a theme for us to reenact. This years theme was to be Hell. We all had spent countless hours the internent and in the library looking for good information. The start of the events would be at One o'clock this afternoon, it would last right until my birthday a week later. I checked my watch as I ran to the changing room. Nine o'clock, I quickly changed into my costume for the festivities. I was dressed as a youki our a little demon spirit. One changed I quickly went to report to our class rep. My classmate and I were to be the main attraction. We were the demon castle, unfortunately I was only playing a minor tour guide roll. I would guide our guests threw the halls of our castle and lead them to our King and Queen of Hell. I detest this fact because my rival got the part instead of my choice.

“Your late,” A haughty voice said as I opened the door to the 'throne room.'

“Oh, did you rehearse that just for me Kako?” I asked sarcastically. Lovely that was last thing I needed , to see my rival and yes unfortunately our class rep. The only person who could freeze the sun just by looking at it. Kako Uhara. I guess it was right about that time when ol' fin ears showed up. I had begun listening to Kako's long speech on how irresponsible I was, when I noticed his standing outside watching me. That's when everything went black and I awoke in Hell.

Chapter 2: Tales of Annoyance
By:Barik Reves
Ol'_Fin_Head? Miss Jaden please refrain from resolving things with insults. You have to maintain composure at all times!

When she awoke Miss Jaden seemed slightly confused. (To be honest so had a complete moronic expression on her face.) I waited until she seemed calm enough, (actually I waited till she was completely freaked out.) To tell her she was in Symphonise or the under world.

“Did I die or something? I mean why else would I be here not that I belong in Hell....” she muttered.

Liar, she had quite the long list of offenses to be sure. “You are not dead Miss Jaden. You were brought here because it's time for you to meet your true fate. Now come we must hurry his majesty does not like to be kept waiting.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her after me.

“Wait! Why did you bring me here? I need to get back to my world I have a job to do!” She said.

“Trivial matters Miss Jaden, it's been taken care of. You need not worry about your silly festival.” I rolled my eyes at her.

“Hey,” she seemed angry. She yanked her arm free of my grip. “ I don't think you understand. This festival is very important to me and everyone in my school. We worked very hard so every one could enjoy themselves. And I won't have so Fin eared freak be insulting our hard work!” She had a defiant look in her eyes. For the first time I actually looked at her properly. She wreaked of unchallenged beauty and leaked a sensational aura in which caught me off guard. I blushed.

“M-my apologies Miss Jaden I merely meant to put your mind at ease, in knowing we will make sure everything goes as planned.” What was I doing? I'm apologizing to her! I don't know why but this girl is much different from all others in a way that cannot be described.

“W-well I'm glad you understand what I meant,” She looked away. “Sorry for burst out at you for something like that.” She said shyly. “It's just-well a bad habit I guess.”

“No! No! It was my fault for speaking out of turn!” I laughed and put my hand behind my head. What am I doing! “Ah! Quickly Miss Jaden we must hurry lest we be late!” I took her hand again and pulled her toward the Large doors woven from trees.

Chapter 3: Tales of Surprise
By: Jaden Summers
Moronic? Flipped out? If you hadn't complimented me there I would seriously have had to get serious on you Barik.

We walked into the great hall like room, then something occurred to me. “Hey, I don't know your name what is it?” I asked.

“My name is Barik Reves, Miss Jaden. It is an honor for you to ask my name.”

“Eh? Barik Reves? What a wonderful name to have!” He blushed. “Barik? Why am I here? I really don't understand......Why would you people go so far to bring a weak human like me to meet your King?”

“People? Miss Jaden you needn't force yourself to call us something we are not. We are demons. And I do not think you are weak, you know many things. Having strength does not mean you have power. If you have a brain you can beat the mightiest of foes.” He smiled at me.

“Barik Just because you looked different then I do or talk different doesn't mean your not people. I think humans have it wrong when they say you are all mean killers who come to take our souls. I mean they haven't met you right? And I guess your right about the brain thing.” He was still blushing. Suddenly His expression became solid and calm like stone as we approached the thrones. We stopped three yards from the steps leading up to the two seated figures. He knelt and motioned for me to fo the same. We bowed our heads and waited for some sign for us to get up.
“Rise young ones.” a melodious baritone voice echoed threw the room. We got up and looked at the figures in their seats. “Jaden Summers I presume?”

“Yes sir.....” Something was up. This guy he wasn't a good guy he was giving off this terrible aura.

“Your quite the hard person to find you little brat.” he stood and walked down the steps. I backed away, I knew it! This guy was pure evil. What about Barik? Was he evil too? I looked at him he seemed very strained as if he were trying to get up, but couldn't.

“Miss Jaden you must run away! You cannot beat him right now!”

“What about you?” I asked. “I'm not going to leave you behind!”

“I'll be fine just-”

“No. I've never been taken down. And I won't be now because of some old geezer.” I stood up and took a Jujitsu stance. “I won't back down! Not now! Not ever!”

“No! You mustn't! Your not ready to use your powers yet!” I rushed towards the old man. Right before we made contact Barik's back appeared before me. Seconds later Blood was every where and a 'gah!' reached my ears.
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Postby PrimaryLotusUser » October 14th, 2010, 2:35 pm

pros= nice plot, relatable characters
2)usage. they sound like rock lee in the english dub. because they're actually people and talk like ACTUAL people would, you can ease up on grammar(ONLY in the dialogue), and use improper sentence structure and words that don't exist, like instead of "because" you could put 'cause.
3)short. i hope you're writing like stephen king, and are going to have lke 3 parts in 1 book, with 60 chapters in each. otherwise, those chapters are far to short.
4)DESCRIPTIVE. don't just say "i was in a forest". paint a picture in your readers' minds, so they fell like they're there. spend a paragraph(or more) describing the forest around you. the smells,the,sights,the sounds. use similies so that your audience can understand what you're talking about, if they don't already.

I've got 2 books on hold because i got writer's block on both of them. i've gone to writers' workshops, i'm taking english comp, i read a ton, and i've tried to write at least 15 books, which all sucked because of at least 1 of the reasons above.
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Postby Hiei117 » October 14th, 2010, 3:44 pm

Chapter 4: Tale of Regret
By:Tsunahari Sawada
Some times I wonder which one of you is older. Geez kid these days.

I watched Barik fall forward and land on the ground with a wet thud. Jaden stared at his body as the blood poured out from the stomach wound. She dropped to her knees and looked up at the old man. “Barik? Hey Barik? Dude....hey man come on quite playing around....ha ha ha ha Barik?” She shook his body like a little kid would. “You moron!” She got up and kicked him right in the wound, splattering some blood around.

Barik 's body jerked up and he clutched his stomach coughing up some blood. He looked at Jaden. “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!!” he coughed some more. “ack!” He kneeled with his head on the ground. “This doesn't look good, I've lost to much blood.”

“SO?” Jaden said flatly.

“What do you mean 'so?' “ He said staring at her.

“I don't care if your bleeding get up you moron.” she glared down at him. An evil smile spreed across her face. “I could kill you here and now if you want.” She grinned pulling out a small army knife. I thought to myself. 'I really like this kid she's got spunk'

“Wait a minute Miss Jaden how am I supposed to walk with this wound?!”

“For starter you could-” She grabbed him and pulled him out of the way just as a shock wave hit the wall. “We need to get out of here now. You know a place we can go?” She asked with out taking her eyes of the old man.

“The only way is too get outside and transport back to the human world....there's I transporter booth just out side the doors to the hall.”

“Well then ladies and Gents start your engines.” And then she turned and ran towards the tall wooden doors, just as the next shock wave hit.
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Postby Hiei117 » October 14th, 2010, 4:10 pm

Chapter 5: Tales of Recovery
By: Jaden Summers
Of course Barik's older.....he always was. You make no sense Tsunahari.

I ran like hell was on my tail (Even though it really was). I reached the door and kicked them open. Dragging Barik with me. Where was this dumb transporter? I looked around where? Where? Where is it? There! I jumped out of the way as another wave hit. I made a mad dash for the circle. But My leg was hit just as I stepped into it. I crashed into the ground and watched the old man disappear from my sight and the school grounds appear.

“Hey Barik...you ok?” I asked. To the slumped figure next to me. He groaned and removed his hand from his wound all that was left was a large circular scar on his abdomen. I sighed in relief and smiled. Good he would be okay, But I couldn't say the same for my leg. It was cut all over the place and blood poured from the gashes. “Damn it hurts.” I bit my lip

“Miss Jaden! Your leg!! Are you ok? Let me heal it for you.” He pulled my hands away from the oozing leg.

“You can do something like that?” I asked my voice twisted with pain as he gently touched it.
“Yes I can, I am able to use the water and ice elements. They are used for healing and fighting. Please bear with the pain Miss Jaden, it is going to hurt quite I bit. Since I only no how to heal and not take the pain away.” I clapped my hands over my mouth as he healed the wounds. My eyes blurred with tears as the process continued. I think a few tears escaped from my eyes but I don't really remember because I passed out from the pain. I awoke much later as the sun was setting and people were milling around the grounds as the fair continued.

“Mmm....warm.” Eh?! Warm? I jerked up and a jacket slipped off my shoulders.

“Are you awake Miss Jaden?” A familiar voice asked as my mulled brain tried to remember what happened that day. I looked in the direction of the voice and saw Barik smiling at me. He looked like a human wearing a head piece with fins. I was way to tired to say anything I felt terrible. I slid side ways and landed on Barik's Shoulder. Drifting back to sleep. I dreamed of watching Barik jump in front of me saving me from taking the fatal blow that would have killed me. I think I whimpered as I saw him jump in front of me because some one began stroking my hair as I slept. I remember sighing and then all that came after was deep silent sleep.
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Postby Hiei117 » October 14th, 2010, 5:27 pm

Chapter 6: Tales of a Old Story
By: Barik Reves
I don't think she was talking about Age Miss Jaden.

I waited until Miss Jaden awoke the second time before I spoke again. As she awoke a beautiful listless expression passed over her face. I put my hand on her shoulder and looked her in her Gold and silver eyes. “I know you just woke up but we must head to your shrine it's not safe here during the night.”

“Barik?” She asked in a tired voice. She tried to stand but her leg that I healed was stiff and she slipped forward. “Ah.” I caught her and picked her up. “........Barik I can walk by myself.” She said I couldn't see her face, but I had a feeling she was blushing.

“Sorry Miss Jaden but we are running out of time, if the hell hounds sniff you out....I can just imagine what they'd do to you a female....” I started to run in the direction of Miss Jaden's Home. By the time we got to the steps of her shrine I could hear the hell hounds sniffing us out a few blocks away. I charged up the steps as the Hounds ripped around the corner. I barely made is past the Shrine gate when the dogs crashed into an invisible wall.

I put Miss Jaden Down and helped her to the door of her temple. When we got to the den we were met by her mother and the least expected person I ever wanted to see. My Father, Ha ha ha I have terrible luck don't I?

I ignored him an helped Miss Jaden sit down. Then her mother spoke. “Jaden....I think we should talk for a while, there are some things I must tell you. You are From an ancient race of Monsters called Pyroid. We can control the earth and flames. Your friend Barik is a Tiderider a race that controls water and Ice. He is one of your three companions of the elements. You need to find a Shadoku and a Luminectrian. Once you find members of these two races you will train until you are strong enough to seal away the demon tyrant Hades.”

“Wait you mean to tell me I'm not human. Huh?” Her Face was completely blank. “Why didn't you tell me? About this?” Her voice was flat.

“I didn't think you need to know.” Her mother stated flatly. She got up and limped out of the room and outside to the walk way. I waited a bit and then followed her out.
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Postby Hiei117 » October 23rd, 2010, 1:55 pm

Chapter 7: Tales of a Song
By: Jaden Summers
I limped to my favorite tree and climbed up in it's branches. I sat there looking at the stars thinking to myself. I begin to hum an American hymn my deceased brother taught me. If I remember it was called Amazing grace. Slowly I began to sing the words. “Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wrench like me.....” I'm not sure when he had come out but his sweet bass voice joined my soprano and we finished the song like this,

“ I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind But now I see.

Twas' Grace that taught.....
My heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
the hour I first believed.

Through Many dangers, toils, and snares.....
we have already come.
Twas' Grace that brought us safe thus far
and Grace will lead us home

The lord has promised good to me....
His word my hope secures.
He will my shied and portions be....
as long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail
and mortal life shall cease.
I shall posses within the veil
a life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wrench like me....
I once was lost but now I'm found
was blind, but now I see.”

We fell silent and listened to the sounds of the night fill our ears. To let you know at the time I was an atheist and I didn't sing religious songs. I was some what surprised at the fact Barik knew such a song. “Barik your a Christian?” I asked solemnly. I was not in much a mood for religious views but I knew I should listen to something.

“Yes Miss Jaden, does that bother you?” He said watching me closely. As if he really needed to know.

“No, not really. My elder brother was a Christian too. I'm an atheist, I don't believe in such a silly think as god. And if he's out there he must hate me. Nothing in my life has ever been right.” I had a ridiculous grin on my face.

He hesitated but decided to speak anyway. “Are you angry that I didn't tell you about myself?” His voice was slightly timid as if he feared what I would say.

I laughed. “Why would I be mad? At you? Impossible, I'm more mad at myself for being reckless and and stupid. I should have noticed that I was different from everyone else, but some how I'm really am glad that I'm like you Barik.” And for the rest of the evening we sat in silence.

Chapter 8: Tales of a New Friend
By: Luna Alucard
I guess it's My turn to write in this dumb Journal thing of memories then.

I guess it was around midnight when I heard the Hell hounds sniffing around the library. I climbed to the highest point I could and crouched down waiting until the sniffing stopped. Damn how had they found me? I went as far as to change my perfume. I worked at the library during the night organizing the books for a few dollars a week. Not much, but it gave me enough to get what I needed. Great, now I needed to find a new job.

“Got to Summer shrine,” a voice said. “you will find a place. Ask to see Jaden Summers, she will give you a good job if you ask her the right way.” I looked around for some one but I saw none.

“Summers Shrine....Jaden....? Hmm, if I can get myself some cash to get home then I'll head there tomorrow morning.”

In the morning I asked around for the Summer Shrine, but no one had ever heard of it. I ended up walking aimlessly around town for five hours. Final tired out from asking and walking I sat down on some step s to take a brake. “Where the hell could this place be!” I heard some voices near by.

“Barik!” A voice snapped. “I told you I'm fine I don't need you to break down every time I trip or scratch myself!” What in all of the three worlds is wrong with her? Another voice spoke.

“I'm sorry. It's just.....well your naturally prone to get injured Miss Jaden. For a Pyroid you sure are clumsy.....”

“Well excuse me Mr. all mighty Tiderider! I'm defected at the moment cause some one went and never finished his healing education!”

“Hey! You wouldn't have gotten hurt if you would have listened to me!”

“I don't run away!”

“Why do you have to be do Damn stubborn! For once in you Life could you please do as your told and just stop being so reckless!!”

“WHO DIED AND MADE YOU THE KING OF MIDDLE EARTH!!!!” The girl shouted at him. These two are crazy, but they are from the ancient races. But why are they here in the middle earth. Wait Jaden? Maybe....

“Excuse me?”

“What!?!” They both snapped.

“You wouldn't happen to be Jaden Summers would you?” Her necklace gleamed.

“Yes, how can I help you?”

“I was told you could give me a job at your shrine.”

“Really? By Who?” This conversation is very one sided. I thought.

“Well I don't really know who it was. “ I felt ridiculous. “Perhaps I heard wrong sorry to bother you.....” I began to walk away.

“Ah wait if your looking for a job you can come with me.” She called
In the end I did follow her, She seemed like she was going to ignore the boy until he said something. The boy Just looked plain regretful that he had fought with her. But he seemed to shy to say sorry.

“You guys are from the old races right?” I asked gruffly.

“Mm? Yeah I'm a Pyroid and Barik is a Tiderider.” She seemed to have gotten over their fight.

“I am too....I'm a Luminectrian.” Jaden and Barik looked at each other.

“Your the last of you kind right?” Jaden asked.

“Yeah but-” I was cut off as the hell hounds rounded the corner.

“Oh lovely, they founds us again. Well Um what's your name?”

“Luna Alucard.”

“Well Luna think you can give us a hand? Cause I think it's time to pound these puppies in to the ground! Yahoo!” Barik and Jaden Stood back to back and Looked truly like the people from the legend I read in the library,

“All right then! Let's kick some tail!”

Chapter 9: Tales of New Powers
By: Barik Reves
Luna you shouldn't call it dumb. This means a lot to Miss Jaden.

The Hell hounds circled around the three of us tensing up for their attack. I watched them my eyes never resting on one for more then a few seconds. Miss Jaden looked very irritated in the fact that we were delayed further then we had to be.

“Miss Jaden allow me to deal with these beasts they do not suit you taste.” I stepped forward and then fell flat on my face. I knew instantly that Miss Jaden (The little brat) had gone and tripped me. I looked at her and was shocked at her disposition, without looking at me she said.

“I think it's best if I do this, I want to try something out on these mutts.” Her eyes were blood red, the color of a Pyroid about to attack. I sat up and crossed my legs. Folding my arms I closed my eyes and muttered.

“Don't expect me to help you out or heal you if you get hurt....” She grinned at my remark.

“If all goes well you won't need to.” She stepped forward and dropped her hands to her sides. She took a deep breath and pulled out to metal rods. What in the middle earth is she gonna do with those sticks, play fetch? I watched with little interest but full trust in the fact she had no idea what she was doing. (And at the time I wasn't that far off.)
“Here doggy come and play some fetch with me...” Hahaha she's going to play fetch with them good plan- wait what?!

“What Part Of That is Going to Help You Kill These Things?!?!?!” I half asked half yelled. She ignored him and continued to coax the dogs.

“I know you want to play, You must never be able to play around when you work with that guy. Why not go fetch this stick for me. And then I'll go quietly with you....” Huh?!?! What the hell is she saying. (What an idiot!!) She threw the stick and to my surprise all seven Hellish hounds ran after it. She quickly let loose a huge wave of energy that felt hotter then the pits of the seventh hell ring. The ground shook with the might of a 9.6 average earthquake, but no normal human would feel it. Her body engulfed in flames and she seemingly disappeared if you normal humans would actually believe this story. (But since no human should be able to get a hold of this that means you must be an ancient race.) Miss Jaden then appeared in front of two downed dogs.

She had a look on her face that I never would have guessed she could have. She looked like she enjoyed the thrill of killing things. She looked at me and tilted her head grinning menacingly in my direction. She walked toward me and for the first time in my life I didn't want her near me. The other hounds growled and tried to jump her. But ultimately they failed. She dropped to the ground and kicked upwards. Knocking another dog into the death beds. She quickly dispatched the remaining four with one kick and three punches. She turned back to us and I heard Luna back up behind me. She was a single pace from me when she bent down her face shadowed. Then she put out her hand and smiled her usual stunning smile and said. “Let's go before your dad has a fit.” I sighed in relief and took her hand then stood up. I attempted to let go but she had no intention of letting mine go. I blushed as we held hands and continued home with Luna two paces behind.
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wow im finally introduced

Postby platobear7 » October 23rd, 2010, 3:56 pm

dude your awsome hiei a though i seem a bit girly :freak but either way thats freakin awsome great so far cant wait for the next chapter. :great i wonder what the fourth guy will be like :ninja

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